Os filhos do divórcio

A separação é um momento muito difícil e delicado na vida de um casal, especialmente porque a maioria dos casais se separa brigando. E como ficam os filhos com a separação? Esta é uma preocupação constante dos pais! Carece de verdade essa história de que os pais devem ficar juntos, mesmo quando vivem o martírio de um casamento insatisfatório, com brigas e desamor (cultura da culpa), pela felicidade dos filhos, para eles não se tornarem problemáticos. O divórcio não prejudica as crianças (às vezes até ajuda). O que afeta, de fato, os filhos é verem os pais se degladiando e terem que conviver com a perda do amor e do respeito, antes e após a separação. Mas, separar-se não é apenas mudar de casa, é sobretudo saber elaborar as experiências emocionais da vida afetiva do casal, especialmente num momento de muita dor. Não se deve usar os filhos na luta do divórcio: não existe ex-filhos e ex-pais e o papel dos pais será sempre o de garantir o bem estar físico e emocional dos filhos.

Conversando com os filhos

 

Muitas vezes os pais sentem-se perdidos e não sabem como conversar com os filhos, especialmente se eles forem pequenos, sobre a separação. O ideal é que os dois estejam juntos e falem de uma forma que eles entendam, tipo:  papai e  mamãe se amavam muito e resolveram casar e ter vocês. Mas hoje, nós não nos amamos mais e, por isso, vamos morar em casas diferentes. Nós vamos deixar de ser marido e mulher, mas continuaremos sendo o pai e a mãe de vocês. Nós nos respeitamos e queremos ser sempre amigos e vocês vão continuar convivendo com nós dois, só que agora terão duas casas. Vocês não têm nenhuma culpa em nossa separação, isso acontece com muitas pessoas (cite o caso de coleguinhas ou parentes próximos). Os afazeres de vocês não vão mudar em nada, vocês vão continuar indo pra escola, pra natação e pro Inglês… e nós estaremos sempre cuidando de vocês, porque os amamos muito”.

As crianças acham que o mundo gira em torno delas, portanto é natural que acreditem que as brigas dos pais têm a ver com elas, sentem-se culpadas pela separação e tem muito receio de que, assim como os pais deixaram de se amar, também podem deixar de amá-las. Poupar os filhos de comentários rancorosos, cheios de mágoas e que desqualifiquem o ex-companheiro(a) é fundamental para garantir uma relação de afeto, envolvimento e participação entre pais e filhos.

 

Administrando a separação

 

Dificilmente uma separação ocorre sem dor e mágoa, mas os pais, deveriam administrar a separação não apenas se preocupando com a partilha dos bens, valor da pensão alimentícia e direito de visita e sim, priorizando o bem estar dos filhos. O que não deve acontecer é a falta de responsabilidade do pai (que se afasta dos filhos) e a super responsabilidade da mãe, após a separação. Mas, felizmente, em alguns casos, os pais se tornam mais presentes na vida dos filhos após a separação, dando-lhes mais atenção e carinho, aproveitando melhor o tempo mais restrito de convivência.

É necessário ter bom senso e garantir uma convivência pacífica entre os pais, estreitando o relacionamento com os filhos, sem mimá-los demais, estabelecendo limites e sem ter que comprar tudo o que ele quer para compensar a ausência física. Quem se separa é o casal. O papel de pai e mãe se mantém eternamente e é necessário que sejam referências amorosas para eles, os ajudando a amadurecer e a fazer escolhas, ampliando a sua rede de figuras afetivas (com a entrada de novos parceiros) e os preparando para lidar com a vida, assim, jamais se sentirão filhos do divórcio e sim filhos do amor. Amor por eles e por nós, que tivemos a coragem de fazer um pacto com o respeito, o amor e a felicidade.

 

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