A principal meta do ser humano é ser feliz… e se a gente consegue ser feliz na vida amorosa, viver torna-se deliciosamente mais agradável.
Vivemos de acordo com nossas circunstâncias e fazer escolhas faz parte delas. Em todo processo de escolha existem elementos conscientes e inconscientes, permeados por fantasias, impulsos, nossas defesas, desejos…
Uma das escolhas mais difíceis é escolher quem será nosso parceiro. Muitas vezes, a nossa atenção é culturalmente induzida para perceber o que nos interessa e atrai, ao mesmo tempo em que ocorre uma “desatenção seletiva” para aspectos que poderão se tornar problema na relação.
Todos nós desejamos companhia, aconchego, fantasia, encantamento, prazer e amor. Além disso, a sociedade insiste que devemos encontrar nossa “alma gêmea”, a outra “metade da maçã”… nos fazendo sentir incompletos e, assim, buscarmos alguém que nos complete, transferindo para o outro a responsabilidade pela nossa felicidade.
Só que ninguém completa ninguém, não são duas metades que se juntam no amor e sim dois seres inteiros !
Beleza é fundamental ?
A atração física é importante mas a atração psíquica é fundamental. O ser amado tem que ter algo além da beleza. Vinícius, em Samba da Benção já dizia:
“ E daí? a mulher tem que ter
qualquer coisa além da beleza
qualquer coisa de triste
qualquer coisa que chora
Qualquer coisa que sente saudade…”
Os homens, por serem mais sensíveis ao visual, valorizam mais a aparência física. As mulheres não costumam colocar a beleza como atributo principal, valorizando mais a gentileza, a atenção, inteligência e maturidade.
Os opostos se atraem ?
De fato, se atraem, mas não é qualquer oposto! Temos atração por aquilo que nos falta e que valorizamos. O outro tem que ser o que eu não sou, saber o que eu não sei, fazer o que eu não faço…
Os opostos se atraem num movimento inconsciente de busca de complementaridade – nós nos completamos no amor e na vida!
Estas diferenças nos fazem crescer e quando marcantes também podem tornar a relação pesada e desgastante – Assim, o que antes era motivo de encantamento, pode tornar-se motivo de raiva e brigas. Nosso desejo é o de mudar o parceiro, “transformar o seu rascunho em arte final”. Obviamente, esse processo acaba por produzir mágoas e ressentimentos, chegando a provocar o fim da relação.
No entanto, não são as diferenças e sim as afinidades que solidificam uma relação.
Por que ele ? Por que ela ?
O encontro amoroso não acontece por acaso… muito menos a escolha do parceiro. Existe uma “lógica” na paixão que nem os enamorados conhecem e que nem sempre combina com o bom senso.
A história de cada um de nós é resultado de herança genética, legado familiar e influência cultural, portanto, nossas escolhas estão relacionadas a um conjunto de valores pessoais, familiares e sociais.
Segundo Iara Camaratta, a escolha do parceiro tem uma trajetória inconsciente que vai sendo elaborada desde as primeiras relações afetivas na família. Pai e mãe, além de objeto de amor, são também modelos de identificação muito importantes.
Se a identificação com os pais for positiva, ao crescermos e nos distanciarmos deles, vamos naturalmente desejar mantê-los junto de nós, e, assim, acabamos buscando parceiros semelhantes a eles, repetindo, com isso, a mesma história familiar. Se ao contrário, rejeitamos a imagem deixada por nossos pais, tomamos um caminho diametralmente oposto e buscamos parceiros totalmente diferentes deles.
Nossa história de vida faz com que desenvolvamos recursos para escolher nossos parceiros, buscando alguém que: represente pessoas importantes do passado, seja pai e mãe ; ou alguém que tenha determinadas características que nos fazem identificar com ele, pelas afinidades ou pelo oposto com características que valorizamos e não possuímos.
Não podemos esquecer que escolhemos regidos pela paixão e que esta é marcada por um misto de narcisismo e inveja.
Eu só me apaixono pelas pessoas erradas…
Existe uma tendência das pessoas repetirem seus padrões de relacionamento e por conseqüência suas escolhas, sejam eles positivos ou detestáveis. Por isso, muitas, vezes, nos apaixonamos por pessoas com características muitos semelhantes, pois o tempo todo estamos reelaborando pedaços da nossa história. Tomar consciência da influência das primeiras relações afetivas permite-nos identificar aspectos muito íntimos e pessoais que nos levam a escolher parceiros com determinadas características e – a partir do momento em que estas questões internas vão sendo resolvidas – o padrão de escolha vai mudando…
Ainda bem, senão estaríamos condenados a ter que acertar sempre na primeira escolha, e via de regra, a fazemos sem nenhuma experiência.
Eu gosto do que sou quando estou com você…
A escolha do parceiro aparentemente envolve duas pessoas, mas é muito mais do que isso.
Não temos consciência de todos os motivos das nossas escolhas, pois parte deles são inconscientes. Contudo, devemos ficar atentos tanto aos nossos sentimentos como aos dados de realidade que o outro está nos mostrando, através da sua conduta, da forma como se relaciona com a família dele, com a nossa família e como ele nos trata, enfim a coerência entre o discurso e os atos…
Para aprender a escolher é preciso que antes a gente aprender a ficar sozinha, a conviver consigo mesmo(a), fazer silêncio interior para perceber os sinais que a vida nos mostra. É se sentir livre para amar e buscar um relacionamento em que exista respeito a individualidade, e perceber que a liberdade é o ar que o amor respira. É buscar a alegria e o prazer de estar junto, sem responsabilizar o outro pela nossa felicidade. É gostar da pessoa que se é, quando está com o outro… como diz Shutz
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