A DISPUTA DO PODER NAS RELAÇÕES AFETIVAS

As negociações de poder fazem parte das relações afetivas e, embora muitas pessoas acreditem que o ideal seja o casal estabelecer uma relação de igualdade, isso é muito difícil porque não existem critérios possíveis de se mensurar o ponto de equilíbrio que determine essa igualdade. De qualquer forma, não é saudável para a relação quando um dos parceiros assume o poder e, de forma autoritária, use a intimidação e a agressão para centralizar as escolhas e decisões. Como suas ordens são inquestionáveis, ele (a) decide como punir e recompensar a (o) parceira (o) e tudo acontece de uma forma muita clara: ele manda e o outro obedece.

O poder dos autoritários é muito fácil de ser reconhecido, muito diferente do poder dos fracos, dos coitadinhos, dos que aparentemente aceitam tudo o que vem do outro com passividade. Essas pessoas se vitimizam e usam a chantagem emocional como forma de controlar outro – “eu não mereço que você me trate assim!”. Mostram-se tão desprotegidas (os) e dependentes que parecem incapazes de sobreviver nesse mundo sem a proteção do parceiro – e, se fazer de coitadinha (o) pra um parceiro culposo muitas vezes da certo. Além disso, são hábeis em conseguir a compaixão das pessoas a sua volta.

DOMINAR E SUBMETER-SE

É na família onde primeiro se aprende a lidar com o poder. A Infância é o treinamento básico para que as crianças aprendam a negociar com os pais e também com os irmãos seus desejos e necessidades; os filhos pedem e os pais decidem se vão ou não atendê-los, quando e de que forma. Esse exercício de poder, desde a infância, varia de acordo com o gênero: os meninos costumam expressar mais diretamente e de forma mais agressiva o seu poder; já as meninas, manifestam-no com mais malícia e de forma mais articulada.

De qualquer modo, a forma de negociação de poder que se aprende na família costuma acompanhar as pessoas na vida adulta. Se na família de origem era possível e permitido argumentar com os pais e defender seus pontos de vista e desejos, mais facilmente a pessoa defenderá suas ideias e lutará pela realização de seus desejos no futuro. Se, por outro lado, o regime familiar era de absoluta austeridade, rigidez e questionar ordens era inadmissível, provavelmente assumirá postura de absoluta submissão em suas vidas, especialmente diante de pessoas que também representem um modelo de autoridade.

CONTROLE X SEGURANÇA

O dinheiro, sempre foi um instrumento de poder em qualquer relação, mas nem sempre quem tem o dinheiro detém o poder. Há maridos que  entregam toda a renda do seu trabalho para a mulher administrar e ela é quem determina como utilizá-lo e vice-versa. O certo é que o poder está sempre relacionado com as necessidades de controle e de segurança.

As pessoas controladoras são geralmente muito previsíveis em seus atos e como não costumam modificar suas posturas na interação com a (o) parceira (o), agem sempre da mesma forma, fazendo com que a mesmice se torne uma constante na relação. Essa característica predominante acaba tornando também a vida sexual bastante rotineira, burocrática e sem empolgação. Assim, não há tesão que resista! Porém, quando os parceiros se permitem viver a alternância de poder, com os dois decidindo sobre as coisas importantes para o casal, há melhor qualidade na relação e eles se mostram mais disponíveis a ceder e a atender ao desejo do outro; procuram conter a agressividade (e essa é uma condição necessária para o exercício do amor); compreendem que não existe relacionamento sem tensões, divergências e estresse; brigam de forma leal, sem ofender o outro e também respeitam as diferenças entre eles, esse casal tem toda a chance de manter uma relação harmoniosa, com o desejo e o afeto em alta, vivendo os dias com delicadeza e noites calientes de amor.

 

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